the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
