I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize