Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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