im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
