1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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