And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
