It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
