I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think im going to throw up on grandma
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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