I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
God, I missed his penis.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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