Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
organizing the empties. That sober.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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