I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
