dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
