i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
