i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
