so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
