How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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