i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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