Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
