I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
I am puke
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
