Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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