Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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