i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
