I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I smell stomach acid.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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