the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize