Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize