just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
