meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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