Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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