I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
