Who did Billy Mays play for?
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
