Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
