sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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