I am puke
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
