He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
