shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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