Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
