Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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