I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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