Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
