I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
