I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize