i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
that's an acceptable place to lick
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
