i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
