I'm so fucking centered right now
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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