I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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