my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
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