is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
