I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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