It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
