matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
