they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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