you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
