What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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