until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
