You're completely useless in the revolution.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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