You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
