i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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