Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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