you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
