what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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